I found this gem and just had to share:



6. Talk to her (I am a bit socially anxious and don't make the first move) CHECK

5. Acting Interested (I'm in my own little world on my phone) CHECK

4. Dancing (Well I do this pretty well so) Negative

3. Complimenting her Looks (You did something to your hair & it's different?) CHECK

2. Being Nice (I guess I'm kind of a Nice Guy) Negative

1. Having the wrong name (According to a study of 6,000 people, men named Michael, James and David are the clear winners, with all three placing in the top ten for Most Successful, Luckiest, and yes, Most Attractive names.) CHECK ;-)

So 4/6 is not bad at all. I guess if I don't dance and be more of a Dick I'll find happiness...

I hung out with my Ex today and realized how on one end she was fantastic and on the other end tragically why it wasn't meant to be. Her and I went out and had dinner at Towne and then just walked up and down Elmwood today just chit chatting and having justs plain intelligent conversation. Plus meeting her out and picking up some red horseradish that she picked up for me earlier from the Broadway Market didn't hurt either.

It just kind of bums me out that the work wife just takes things literally. She isn't the type to inquire to ask why things are the why they are, for her she'll accept the Church's teachings. While with my Ex and I today had a pretty good talk about something she saw on the Discovery Channel.

The question I'm starting to ask is, "What am I getting out of my current realtionship?" The first answer just may be my desire to almost figure out myself, what makes me tick and how can I change the way the world sees me. This almost seems to be a journey of getting in touch with my inner altar boy. Because at one point in my life I was just like her, buying into everything the Catholic Church sold lock, stock and barrel. The thing is there was a point in high school where I just threw most of it to the wind.

I realized that all the anxiety, guilt and hangups that I have been fighting within my psyche may have originated from being too much of a Catholic when I was younger. To hear her talk about "not wanting to have sex" because she's afraid to get pregnant @ age 29 is really eye opening and frightening. I thought along those lines at one point of my life and really regret getting left in the starting gate of sexual development/dating with that kind of guilty fear instilled in me at such a young age.

It's just that I'm looking at this as not a relationship but me dating myself or actually battling my inner core subconscious as a child type of thing. Never the less it seems that this has happened at this point of my life to deal with and learn about the thing that made me who I am today and change them for the better going forward.

It seems that I haven't posted anything of substance for a while. Honestly, it's been due to the fact that I've been an Overtime whore @ work, grabbing and working most of the hours offered. Today I went in and worked 8 this Saturday just because I have this possible irrational fear that I won't have enough money. It's just driving me mad lately and I don't know why. Heck, I even shorted a gold stock on Friday just to squeeze out a couple of bucks.

So with me spending all this time at work, I've also been spending some way too much time with my work wife. All I can say is that my initial read was correct, she's totally pure as snow. Come on, I worked in a Poker Room for a while; you learn to read people or donate your money.

So in spending sometime with her tonight I kind of got smacked with my past. She's so Catholic it isn't even funny. Which isn't a bad thing other than I feel like the accusative gadfly since I consider myself a "recovering Catholic!" ;-) But the reaction I got which pretty much felt like "I'm troubled that you're trying to trying to debate me and chip away at my faith" was not all that cool. I know that if ever I wanted to debate anyone on this site about religion, I wouldn't have a problem other than possible biting more than I could chew off and having it run over the alloted time I had available. To me if you're of a faith you're should be willing and able to defend it, rather than say "We're not having this conversation."

SO Yeah, in a weird way this kind of works. I'm dealing with someone that wants to take it at a snail's pace and I kind of like the fact that pressure is off. A part of me is kind of relieved that on one hand I'll just have someone to hang with and not worry about complicating things. [This is where the Chris Rock Reference for th e title comes in] On another hand I know that if I push it and get what I want, I'll just leave another woman worse off than I left her. I'm only saying this due to the fact that I've been having pretty intense conversations with my Ex about how she totally isn't "right in the head" and how I "broke her heart" and this is with the fact that it had been almost 3 years now. Although now that I think about it a bunch of my other Ex's don't have things too good right now; But I'm sticking to the economy and even though this may sound like projection, I'm blaming the economy...




On a less serious note I've seen "Reality Bites" on the Dish 3 times in a week. Seriously I forgot about the movie for about a decade and all of a sudden it's always on! Maybe it's the economy and the slacker characters are now once again relevant?

Yea, I am backing myself into a corner and I'm going to have to make a decision. The sad part is that it's going to reverberate for a while given my current work structure will most likely be in place for a while. Here's the situation, I'm kind of seeing/talking to someone that I work very closely with on a daily basis. It's something that kind of fell into my lap as I didn't put any effort into hitting on her, it just came. If one thing comes out of this it's that at least I can say that I do possess some level of attractiveness that can lure someone in without putting on the whole charming front that guys in most cases must do to "hit on" someone.

So here I am with this person and in my best interest I've basically handled this with kid gloves, since I don't want this to become a grease fire & shitting in my nest is something that is not on my list of things to experience in life.

So here's my problem: She's pretty attractive and very moral in the sense that she's a church girl and even does music for various Catholic Churches. But as I've eluded to in I'm not used to the role of being the dominate male especially with someone who is more vanilla than I've experienced since I got my relationship psyche cleaned out by a couple of crazy love interests from my past.

Just like the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other duking it out I have this dilemma on my hands. I think my mind has been tainted in the "Tainted Love" sense by the alternagoth queens that I've always ended up with in the past that produced great longing and sex. Then again I've always have been battling this dark feeling of helplessness every time I come across some obstacle that most people can just get over but to me and my perception always seems monolithic. Nothing will scare a normal chick away like that kind weak, helpless whining. I've always felt this way, but luckily it only comes cyclically. Or at least less frequently due to me playing a big game of avoiding making large decisions in life to snuff out an possibility of me mourning a shitty decision and taking a trip down a spiral for weeks or a couple months at a time due to that one thing.

So anyway I have this chick that's into me and is pretty nice and wholesome. The last thing I want to do is fuck with her head as I have with so many people [Although for most of those participants, it was mutual] But at the same time the inner Catholic altar boy wants a nice wholesome no psycho wife that will be all quaint and "normal" whatever that means anymore or in actuality some concept of "normal" from the unobtainable permanently lost past.

There's just a battle in me that has been going on for years. The "normal" person that can hang with frat boys versus the dark existentialist that loves indie films and depressed artistic sex fiends with multicolored yarn hair that listen to stuff that makes NIN sound mild. The excuse of blaming my high school just isn't cutting it anymore. Do I have to make a decision or marry someone that will force me to live a secret double life?

Yea, I have issues I know...

Because I'm taking off tomorrow & don't know if I'll have access to a computer I'll make my usual Greg Dulli V-Day post with one of his videos.

I'm not Jaded this V-day. I'm actually feeling the universe throwing me a vibe or two. It's not a dropping roller coaster feeling, but at the same time logically I kind of know that my window for something like that has long passed.

Anyway to the point. I was hanging @ Mothers Saturday night when i was kid of thrown in to the drama of two older women. The one with kind of sexting with some FWB type of thing in which she was lamenting that he "didn't try hard enough to get her into bed that night." There were other vulgar pleasantries eavesdropped on but it was sure enlightening in the sense that I realized that a good chunk of this town is in some kind of FWB situation, I know for myself I've been in more of those kind of situations more than a real committed passionate relationship.

So the next time you get a text @ 3:15 think of thing song

I've been meaning to respond to (e:jason) 's post

But I think this is going to be a little longer and/or more personal so at some level I would like to have it easily accessible to me so I could read it at some point for my own personal use.

Yea I hear you with being an isolated outsider. I had my one married w/kid friend's wife attempt to set me up with anyone she worked with just so we could "go out as 2 couples." For a while I was seeing their co-worker, but I broke it off for my own reasons after I realized that she may have been trying to really emulate their relationship, if you know what I mean.

At times I delude myself into thinking that I should have stayed married. This comes from the cold hard fact that my living situation and just how I am personality wise in this dating pool of WNY just dooms me to being alone. Yea I have realized that I could just play the game and "find someone" to put up with my bullshit, but in the end I just realize that I would just be using them as a prop for other people to appear that I'm doing the "family" thing or even worse just a warm body for sex. Plus when I deal with people who have money problems I realize what a "cinder block around your neck" it can be if you're with or even married to someone that brings the trouble with the business of living problems to your life. Then I realize how being alone isn't so bad after all.

Would I love to be with someone that I am attracted to and can love? Of course I would as it is one of our basic needs of being human. It's just that for the most part I have just thrown in the towel, or at least for as long as I live in WNY. With a decade of dealing with the demographics and having my chances diminish with every year I get older, I just have had it with doing things via "going through the motions of the mating dance." Heck with Feb 14th coming around I even am planning on getting out of Dodge that weekend. Seriously I don't even want to be around here when love is in the air. For me I would rather be lonely loser somewhere else where no one knows me ;-)

My last V-Week themed post of the week.

This is to honor all the "Crazy" chicks out there. I just love the line, "So what's going to happen to you now? Therapy? Pharmacy? That's what you'd like to believe ,but it ain't easy, when you're going crazy Over The Rainbow..." It just stuffs my mind when I heard some Judy Garland tapes that she recorded when supposedly she was going to write an autobiography. From what they were saying she was drinking & hammered on pills. It is actually kind of errie to hear to say the least.
This songs captures in a very good way the insane chicks that patronize the Allen st strip.


Also I came across the Dashboard Confessional cover of this song. I don't have an open mind when it comes to those guys, but you can judge for yourself. To my it does not do it justice in the least.

It was quite interesting to see the alone women out tonight when I was just doing random things with my Ex/FWB tonight. Seeing coupes of pretty attractive young women in their 20's tonight just blew my mind for some reason.

On another note even though I was pretty upbeat & happy today for whatever unknown reason to myself it was just amazing to see the bitterness from the female gender. I wore a black shirt, basically because it was the only clean thing I had at my disposal & the attitude that I unwillingly projected scared me. You can really screw up your day by wearing the wrong thing. Back to my bright J. Crew Colors from now on when I'm @ work.

With a Twilight Singer tie in, I ended up loaning the CD Blackberry Belle. He's about my age with the same kind of distorted social vibe. It was really funny how he responded when I told him when I was listening to on my iPod the other day. The whole, "Greg Dulli, Afghan Whigs I never knew anyone else knew about them.." SO I find it pretty ironic that i loaned it out to my on V-Day after all.

So here's the nice Groove Oriented Twilight Singers the band/project that Greg started after the Whigs.

Baby, I see you've made yourself all sick again
Didn't I do a good job of pretending?
You're saying that the victim doesn't want it to end
Good. I get to dress up and play the assassin again
It's my favorite
It's got personality
I should have seen this shit coming down the hall
Every night I spent in that bed with you facing the wall
If I could have only once heard you scream
To feel you were alive
Instead of watching you abandoning yourself
Baby you can open your eyes now
And please allow me to present you with a clue
If I inflict the pain
Then baby only I can comfort you
Out of the night we come
And into the night we go
If it starts to hurt you
Then you have to say so

Debonair

The song that got me sucked into the Afghan Whigs & Greg Dulli. I always loved this video for the similarities that it has of Youngstown. The 1 story 1 car garage houses built in the 1950's

It's just a song that if you know your relationship with a woman is F'd it just always seems to hit the spot. So many times I have just reveled in the line, "Feel it now and don't resist,
This time the anger's better than the kiss." Yea, there have been times where fighting with someone felt just as good as making out.



It's just scary that sometimes I think that Greg Dulli brings to the surface the handbook for understanding the dark side male emotions/behavior.